Not Perfect, But Held: Motherhood, Mental Health, and Mercy

Life lately has been difficult. I feel like I’ve been slowly slipping away into irritability and anxiety again. It’s not constant and all-consuming like it used to be. Like little bouts here and there. Just a day or two sprinkled into my week. Not like how I felt I was going crazy previously – Ehe, say what? – but intermittently this time.

From Single Parenting, keeping the house clean, trying to get to the gym at least twice a week, keeping the kids entertained and content, feeding them, feeding myself, maintaining laundry, the dishes, keep it all together so the world doesn’t know I’m crazy or going crazy – just pretend like everything’s ok – but sometimes it feels like nothing’s ok! The list just goes on and on… Never ending. All the chaos and pressure upon my shoulders to do it all and hold it all.

This is especially how I used to feel. Like I had to “Do it all….” It was consuming my life and my energy. And I think the biggest obstacle of it all was my girls behavior. Every day I would measure how well my day went based on how well they did or behaved.

I remember sitting down to read The Flourishing Family one day, I can’t remember if it was from this book or just a thought that the Holy Spirit put on my heart – I think I broke down crying, falling on my knees asking God for help for my sanity and peace – but I realized that my days are not defined by their good or bad behavior. And MY worth as a mom is not defined by their good or bad behavior. Or how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ our days felt to me.

Started back in 2023

My mental health journey started back in 2023, shortly after I had our second. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had been struggling with Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, and Postpartum Rage for a whole year, until one night I scared my oldest so bad that she told me (in the middle of a rage fit that felt like an out-of-body experience – third-party viewing) “Mommy, you’re scaring me…..”

I broke…. I broke down in tears of anger, sadness, frustration, and grief upon realizing how badly I had been treating her and her sister, and my husband. It was that whole experience that I realized how deep I was in this and what was ACTUALLY going on: I was struggling with PPD, PPA, and PPR. I had struggled with it for almost a whole year until I finally realized what was going on. Before this incident, I didn’t think anything of it; I thought it was just me, I thought, “This is how our new life is now.” Just acceptance because I had no clue how bad it had become.

Never getting the bonding experience with my second that I had with my first. I never felt euphoric with her like I had with my first. I never felt AMAZING Postpartum with her as I had with my first. (I believe that could be due to our birthing experience and the interventions used – but that’s a talk for another day).

All because I had hormone imbalances, nutrient deficiencies, and unresolved childhood trauma. And because of all of that, I was robbed of what I could’ve had with her Postpartum. I had SO much work to do, within myself and physically, and never realized it because no one told me, “Maybe you should seek help.”

Carrying on like nothing was wrong, and I kept all the turmoil to myself; no one had a CLUE that I needed help. All because I never shared with another Mama what was going on. We’re told – maybe unknowingly by society – that we’re supposed to have it all together and be perfect.

Be Perfect, Perfect, Perfect…

Be perfect mothers, perfect wives, perfect Christians, perfect friends, with a perfectly clean house, perfectly folded laundry, and clean dishes. Be perfect, look perfect, act perfect – pressure, pressure, pressure. All on top of our shoulders.

The pressure will just continue to build and build and build if nothing is resolved to relieve that pressure and RELEASE. Release through community, through prayer, connection, therapy, anything.

Today, I’m fortunate to have the therapist I have. The community and friends that I have. The church family that I have. The husband that I have. The in-laws and biological family that I have. Even my Air Force family, my chain of command, Supervisors, and co-workers are all great to lean on too.

I never realized how much help I could’ve received sooner had I just spoken up and opened up about what was going on inside of me. It took me realizing it first, but maybe if someone else outside had known about it, they could’ve put together the pieces themselves and have told me, “Baby, I think you need help. It’s ok to not be ok.”

What you can do to help yourself recover

• Seeing a therapist. Unleashing all of your childhood trauma and current trauma/struggles on someone can be relieving. Just having someone specialized in psychology to dump all your trash onto can help you logically process through it, and then taking it home to dump on your husband (who is also your mental health support) is releasing in and of itself.
• Nutrition. Being Postpartum, going through labor, carrying a baby, and nursing are ALL nutrient-depleting if you’re not strictly on top of what you eat and the supplements you take. What significantly helped me (night and day difference) were a good high-quality Multi-vitamin, Omega 3, D3+K2, Triple Magnesium complex, and Iron.
• Exercise. Lifting heavy weights and just having time to yourself is healing. Not only will you get the long-term benefits of strength training (like retained bone density, hormone management, insulin sensitivity, weight control, Alzheimer’s and Dementia protection, etc), you get the immediate returns of heavy weight training, like endorphin release to help stabilize mood, improved quality of sleep, etc.
• Sleep. Good and restful sleep. No one is in a good mood if they’re sleep-deprived. I swore I wasn’t going to sleep train my second baby, but I was still losing sleep with her at 20 months old (still waking five times a night), and it was my last missing puzzle piece to my sanity, mental health, and peace. If this sounds like you, consider sleep training. We used Taking Cara Babies. If you don’t want to, please find other sleep alternatives for your own mental health’s sake.

We’re not perfect. We will never be perfect, but we are made perfect through Christ, and I thank Him every day for His sacrifice and His mercy on me. Without it, I would be lost and I would be nothing. It is through His grace and mercy and answered prayers that I am where I am today. Countless nights crying and feeling hopeless, and He saw me through it all. I just needed the right resources to help fix it, too.

If you need a good workout program to help get you started on your new health journey, including a community of like-minded Mamas going through the same struggles, I’m here for you. Click here, and we can get you started.

As always – Thank you for reading and ILY <3.